Worry No More

  Anxiety....there is just so much I can say, so much I've learned, that I will most likely write a book at some point, but here's the deal....anxiety  is NO joke. It's by far one of the most debilitating disorders on the planet, and it's friend "panic" go so very close in hand together.

 I've had anxiety since I was kid. I was raised differently than most children, and stood out at school because I wasn't allowed to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance or stick around for holiday parties or craft making, I went to the library instead. It was normal for me, but it created anxiety for me because I'd get made fun of.  This later on became fear of criticism and judgement. I was something I knew I didn't want to be, but didn't have a choice at the time, but it stuck with me until later in life.
Moving on to about age 14....after I'd already left home and began experimenting with drugs. My first REAL hard core substance was Meth. The first time I did it, I did 8 lines....how I didn't die...not too sure, but God has a good reason apparently, but I stayed awake for 4 days. I literally thought I was going to die. Mind so tired, body tired, but my entire insides would just not stop. My mind telling me horrible things....and the biggest and perhaps the HARDEST part for me was seeing the sun come up. Once that sun came up, I knew there was no going to sleep and that mean't staying up even longer, I was for sure I might die. THIS is also something that has stuck with me until this very day...up until a couple years ago anyways.  If that sun started coming up and I didn't get sleep, my mind automatically took me back to when I was 14, thinking my life was over.....and the thing about anxiety...is it's all mind related, but our bodies are also connected to the mind. So what I'm thinking is what's going to happen, my body is going to respond as well.

Fast forward to my alcoholic days. Blacking out was the norm. I didn't remember my nights most of the time, and ended up hearing the atrocious stories of what I had done, honestly, it makes me nauseous and angry at myself. But to this day....if a show comes on T.V. and drugs are being abused or it's "funny" videos of drunk people doing stupid shit and hurting themselves, as crazy as it sounds, my mind starts going into anxiety and panic mode because it, again, takes me back.

But here's the thing about anxiety, and what I've learned.....

I'm here. I'm alive. I'm healthy. My kids are healthy. I have a good life. All of these things, and this is just the tip of the iceburg...haha...that I've been through that helped create my anxiety, the biggest component is WORRY. You see...worrying can start so young, I know it did in my case. I worried no one liked me, which I think that's fairly normal, I was a very young Mother, so I've worried about being a good Mom to my babies my entire life. I worried about being pretty enough or a good enough girlfriend or wife because of the mental abuse of my past. I worried I wasn't smart or would never amount to anything in life because I failed my GED Math test 3 times, and never went back to graduate high school because I was worried about being judged as a pregnant high schooler. Worry, worry, worry....leads to destruction. One of the best quotes I've ever heard I is :

" No amount of worry can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future."

You see our past, for a lot of people, can be a sore subject. Our past can keep us stuck, bitter, angry, in pain and enslaved even. And that in itself creates anxiety. The ONLY thing we can control, is now. When we worry...we overthink everything. The "worst case scenario" becomes our BFF, and twists reality.
This is where panic comes in, which is what prolonged anxiety can turn in to, and it LITERALLY feels like you're dying. Like I did after drug experimentation.....and not only that...but the years and years I spent in constant worry. We honestly do not realize how strong our minds TRULY are. If you repeat "I'm dying" enough times, you truly start to believe it. It's like one of those nightmares you jerk awake from because you're falling or something was coming at you and when you wake up, you are CERTAIN death is waiting for you at the foot of the bed! It brands our mind....literally, and it can take years to pull yourself back from it.

But good news....it CAN be done. I'm now 36 years old. My anxiety and panic went from at one point, from the ages of about 27-29 or so, where it was so bad, I didn't want to leave my own house. I was so freaked out, and it was mostly about being criticized or judgement. I felt worthless. I hated myself and I felt like everyone would be so much better off without me here....and so I just didn't want to leave the house. I worried that if I didn't have my meds, something bad would happen (addiction) or I would die, not kidding.....it was freak out time when my meds were low!  I was sad about 98% of the time because I held on the the decision of my Father, who chose not to be a part of my life, and how my family ended up. I held on to the words of my past relationships, the betrayals of friends. I held on to the mistakes I made as a teenage Mother, and ending up the way I had. I held on to the negative beliefs about myself, and it was so bad....I literally couldn't think any other way. (So I thought)

I still very much struggle to this very day. Since taking myself off and "un-addicting" myself, is what I like to call it, and shifting my focuses, which, wow, that took a lot of work for me, because my life was ALL worry. There was no time for ME...it was all for worry....and what I WAS doing for myself, was only digging a deeper hole. I started reading Anxiety self-help books....and you know, I don't care what anyone says, if you TRULY want to change, they help. From experience, I feel like the stories of others' experiences seems to help most. I definitely love learning how it all works and boy it's complex, but hearing others' stories gave me hope.  I wasn't alone....and no one is...unless they make it so.
I started exercising, and focusing on learning. Learning about nutrition, and how to take care of myself aka wellness. Today, I leave my house with no problems. I can be around crowds with no problems. But I am still working on confidence in myself, less negative talk, and really letting go of my past. I've learned it's not me. Those were things I did, not who I was. And my future...well...I'm working on that now. What I do now is going to decide that for me, so I continue to take care of myself, eat healthy, exercise daily, and help others do the same, because for me...that helps.

Anxiety is real.....but so are we. Anxiety is all too common in this world, it's sad, but so is confidence, strength, belief, happiness, faith, love, kindness, and hope...IF we look for it and focus on it.
This girl is moving ON...FORWARD...right here, right now, because the past is already over...no use wasting time on it, and I can determine how my future will be, by focusing on what I am doing now.

Life is a gift, but we must treat it like one! Choose happiness, or choose misery...it's your choice.

Much Love,
Wendi

Take Heed

   You know it's funny, I get so angry when I hear about close friends of mine that are suffering from stress overload and overwhelm and end up panic ridden, anxious, depressed and sometimes hospitalized. Possibly because this hit's home HARD for me.  A little too close to home and I think I get angry and riled up is because I know it can be prevented. I dug myself out of that damn hole, it wasn't easy, and I still struggle. It's not easy to see the edge of that cliff creeping up on you until it's too late most of the time.

I can say this about Men too, but I know as a Women and even though I don't have a 9-5 or 6-12 a.m job what it seems like anymore, job....doesn't mean we still cannot overload ourselves. I didn't truly learn until I began my Beachbody Coaching business.
Ok...let me get one thing  clear here....I am in no way talking crap about this opportunity, I believe it's an awesome opportunity for people, but it's not for everyone. One of the biggest perks that made me sign up was the fact that I could work from home....or anywhere for that matter, as it's all online. But most want to get up there, and get up there quickly, and that means WORK. I found myself on the computer at sometimes 4 a.m.....staying up until midnight sometimes, just so I could keep my business moving in the right direction....but you know what I missed? ME. Keeping ME moving in the right direction, and also my marriage! I was so concerned with this and that in my business that I burned myself out. I exhausted myself and sadly...I still wanted to keep going because I heard A LOT, that if I worked myself to the bone for a few years, I could finally relax and enjoy life. COOL. That's fantastic and you know what....100% TRUE, but not for EVERYONE. Do I consider myself a failure because I couldn't keep up with that....fuck no.

That just wasn't something my mind could keep up. I have 5 teenagers, a house and husband to take care of and also a Personal Training business, THAT is fulltime in itself. If my situation was one where I HAD to go out and work, I would, but I am blessed in the fact that that hasn't been the case for me. But whether it's working, yes, even an amazing business like Beachbody Coaching, from home, or working a 9-5 or however many hours, you will absolutely FRY if you do not take heed to your body. And guess what....your body and mind are connected. I'm going through this one as I speak. My body is yelling at me to calm my shit. I have Sacroilitis, I have a Benign Ossifying Fibroma on my Fibula, and one thing I NEVER or RARELY get is SICK, and guess whose fighting to breath as she types?!! But guess who is also taking heed?!!

I believe in following your dreams...I'm still doing it, and will most likely never stop....but I also believe that this world makes us feel like there isn't any time to do so. Or that life will crumble if we don't hurry our situation or circumstance. Time goes on whether we FORCE shit, or not, whether we take care of our minds and bodies, or not....but in my opinion, I feel like taking the time to take care and listen to my body and actually ENJOY what I'm doing now, and the journey to fulfilling my dreams, than lying in a hospital bed sick as shit because I want it NOW, or because someone is pushing a deadline or because I may feel like people are depending on me or may judge me and being completely miserable along the way. I've been with NO job, and STILL felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and ended up in the hospital. It doesn't take much as a woman to do this to ourselves, and I know this to be true for Men too, because I'm constantly yelling at my Hubby about this...and you guessed it....he doesn't listen.

I get the need for HUSTLE....I do. But when our well being is thrown out the window, there will end up being NO HUSTLE in the end....and that means...bye bye dreams and happy life. I believe there is a point to living life on our own terms. What I mean is....there still needs to be caution involved. Working, keeping up with household, finances, kids, pets, and I could go on...there is so much that just pounds us into the ground on a daily basis and  so quickly. AWARENESS needs to be the key here. Be aware and LISTEN to your body. Your mind can tell you one thing...but your body does not lie...when it's done, it's done.


Take Care....mind AND body,
Wendi

Biggest Critic

   How true is this?!! Since I started my journey to, well, everything pretty much...haha...actually I guess I should say when I turned the page in my life, I started a new chapter....I'll call it, Chapter 5....  I decided I was ready to move forward and let go of things killing me, literally, and decided it was time to learn to trust in faith, trust in myself, my abilities, and what I didn't realize at the time was how much would actually be involved in this process!

In the past few years, since I've been sober, and have found my passion and purpose, one of the things I have come to love the most is inspiring others, motivating them. This is one of those things I didn't realize I could do. In fact, the thought of posting a picture of myself, or actually being myself with heartfelt words, especially on Social Media, made me want to vomit. Main reason being....I was so fearful of judgement and criticism, and don't get me wrong, I continue to fear this, but only in person now...ha!
But, as the years have gone by, I've seen how what I share impacts others. For myself, I've always felt like words are either the best things in my world, or the worst. They have lifted me up, and literally, might as well have, buried me 6 feet under. The impact is immense.

It's crazy because words seem to just flow out of me. I will be honest, because of my past, and the mental abuse, I seriously thought I was dumb. Like I didn't know anything...not smart at all, but I did know, I could talk to people about anything, and lift them up. It seems like almost every girl, or woman, and even men sometimes I've come across, if a subject came up that was affecting their life, I could actually relate in some sort of way, it's hard to think it's possible, because I'm only 36...haha. But the feeling I get, when I see my words affecting them in a positive way...oh man....if I could bottle it up, it would be a cure all.

This morning was as usual, I have been down on myself because of some injuries going on. I am a bit of a control freak, especially when it comes to my routine, and my health and fitness. I posted a picture with a saying on it, and as I posted it, I fell back into a pattern. The "not good enough" pattern. Here is the picture I posted along with what I said:

Facebook post:

"If you TRULY want to make changes, you will. If you TRULY want results, you'll get them. If you TRULY want a different life, you'll get it. If you TRULY want that new job position, you'll have it. If you TRULY want to pull yourself out of the situation you're in, you will. If you TRULY want to let go of the past, you will. If you TRULY want to lose 50 lbs, you will. 
You have to BE the change before you can SEE the change.
When we TRULY want something, we put aside any and every excuse to get it, we find a way....but the decision must be made, set in stone so -to-speak...as in no looking back, a done deal.
Just a thought on this freezing Thursday...smile emoticon
Have a great day!"


First thought I had: "Ugh. I look like shit."
Second thought I had: "People seriously must hate my posts by now, I'm sure it's getting old."
Third thought I had: " Maybe I should stop posting pictures of myself, it probably looks like I'm flaunting or bragging....I don't want that....ugh."
Fourth thought I had: " I hope this doesn't actually discourage people from pushing harder. I've been there, it can be discouraging sometimes, if we think about how far we have to go VS. how far we've come."
Fifth thought I had: "Wendi, shut the hell up. You need to take your own advice here. You're not posting about a beauty contest here, you are trying to inspire and motivate people, now shut up, it's the WORDS that matter the most."

I know...I sound crazy...haha. But you know what...shortly after I posted, I got a comment from an old friend. Someone else who had took his control back and dropped quite a bit of weight,....yes...a guy!! We used to party with him, and he commented on how inspiring my posts always are, and how he can actually FEEL what I'm saying. Ok...WOW!
Hello!! I'm over here criticizing something that is HELPING people.....literally.

Why? I'm guessing because I still need to get over my shit.....which I have a lot, but I am a FIRM believer in being who I preach about. I am as real as they come, and I'm human. I'm not here to be perfect, no one even want's perfect.....something else I've learned.

I will continue to urge other's to move forward, and I will BE that urge!

If you're as hard on yourself as I am....STOP! Take a minute to realize that even though you may not feel powerful, or important to others, you ARE. Every single one of us has so much power inside to become what we desire to become and help who we desire to help, just by the way we speak, the words we say and share.
Choose wisely.

Much love to ya,

Wendi

Awareness

Pretty awesome experience I had today. Over the past couple of years, my body has gone through a few different things. One, I developed leg pain in my Fibula and Tibia (shin bone) as well as pain in my knee, about a year ago. The pain seemed to progress so I decided to go see a Doctor. The did an X-Ray and she discovered that I had had what she called a Benign Occifying Fibroma, which is commonly found in children under the age of 10, weird, I know. She also discovered I had some deterioration in my knee, she said, most likely due to being overweight. It flares up on occasion and hurts like a bitch!

Moving along to two months ago, I woke up with extreme lower back and pelvic pain. So bad, I couldn't get out of bed for 2 days. I had started my monthly that same day, so I automatically put the two together as one. I made an appointment with an OB, had a pap done and she discovered I had what she called Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, stating to me that women who may have had some kind of traumatic past experience (rape, or some type of sexual abuse) usually are the candidates for Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. It made perfect sense, considering I had been raped, and have never in my life been able to enjoy actual sexual intercourse without pain. She said my abdominal and pelvic muscles were extremely tight, and she could clearly see that I held a lot of stress in this area....and recommended Physical Therapy. I'm not going to lie, I got emotional finding this diagnosis out. I had finally accepted the fact that I'd never have a normal sex life, and maybe I actually was crazy about the pain I felt, but turns out....I'm not.  She also thought I may have had cysts, because of so much blood and abnormal bleeding, so I also had an ultrasound done. Ultrasound came back

"fairly normal", whatever that means...haha. I was still in pain, so I decided to go see a Chiropractor.

Went to see him, and he diagnosed me with Sacroiliitis, and that my left leg was an inch shorter than my right, and that my pelvis had been severely lopsided. He popped me, and I felt relief, but not completely. He recommended I continue to come back. I ended up going to see this Chiropractor 10 times in one month. 75% was better, but I was still in pain. After all the cracking, I realized my muscles needed to be stretched after being so tight causing this Sacroiliitis. I started going to Yoga classes, doing more stretching at home and resting and using less intensity in my classes and workouts. Pain STILL there.

A week ago, I started my journey with an Acupuncturist. I will admit, the next day my lower back and butt muscles had felt pummeled, and the pain was still there, but giving it the benefit of the doubt, I decided to go back. Here's where my awesome experience today began.

I went in and we discussed how life has been in the past week. Well, honestly, not much had changed (he was kinda bummed about that...haha), but I didn't expect a miracle...it's not my first rodeo. But this morning I woke up with my leg, knee, hip and glute in a ton of pain, and I also started getting a sore throat after teaching class in 45 degree weather last night :/...(I know, bad).....so I told him, quite honestly, not sure if it was because of my leg pain, but my back wasn't bothering me too badly today. So, he still wanted to focus on my back and pelvic issue, but also wanted to work on my leg pain and get rid of the cold headed my direction. So....needles were inserted into my lower ab muscles, my right Hip flexor, glute, fibia, knee and ankle...as well as in my hands to target my throat. Man...initially this hurt...my muscles are just crazy tight, but miraculously, as soon as those needles went into my hands, my throat pain went away! I could NOT believe it. He also said the area around my Fibula was swollen, and putting those needles in was a ton of fun...same with my ab muscles...HA! 

But, as I layed there....I kind of went in to a meditative state and automatically started thanking my body. (I sound like a crazy person, I know). Just as if I was praying to God or Higher Power, I started thanking my body for all that it does and has done for me. I made a promise I would take care of it, love it, feed it right, and honor it. 

Now don't leave...I'm not a spiritual maniac, I promise, but I did feel I had a spiritual moment with myself....and for good reason. We never get much time, or a chance to sit down and think about what our bodies do for us. What we put them through, and we ESPECIALLY do not realize we are NOT invincible, and if we do not take the time out that our bodies need, it will eventually take the time on its own, without our consent, and that is not always a good thing. Being a Health and Fitness professional, as well as going through my own journey, we normally, and should, develop more of an awareness with our bodies. The Acupuncturist actually said this himself after I thought it laying there, and he called me an Athlete. That felt good, I had never been called that before....haha. And I never looked at myself that way, but I guess I kind of am.

Learning to love ourselves and listen when it's telling us to stop or rest, and then thanking our bodies....yes actually saying "thank you body, for everything you've done", does not make us crazy. It actually helps us in the long run.

Spirituality can also be awareness, and that is an awesome thing. I encourage it.

Much love,

Wendi

I'm Worth How Much?!!

   This, was my weight this morning. I no longer step on the scale every single day, like I did during my year of working my butt off to lose almost 100lbs. And while I encourage people to use the scale as a guide, it needs to be used with care.
Sounds nuts....but because I was already insecure, had no confidence in myself and didn't know who I was....this number became my worth. If it wasn't going down, then I felt like a failure. As a COMPLETE human being...not just in my weight loss!

THIS is JUST a number! Not what I've done to get here, not how I have overcome what I have to get to where I am now and find my own personal happiness! JUST a NUMBER.

If you're reading this and you are allowing the obsession to take over, step back. Write down all of the things you've accomplished in your life or been through that have made you the incredible person you are! Stop stepping on the scale everyday and allowing the number to dictate your life or your day.  YOU are the ONLY thing that can bring about your happiness, and you are worth more than a number on a scale.

Never give up! Continue moving forward in your journey, but do it with love and compassion for yourself.

Happy Hump Day!!

Wendi