Anxiety....there is just so much I can say, so much I've learned, that I will most likely write a book at some point, but here's the deal....anxiety is NO joke. It's by far one of the most debilitating disorders on the planet, and it's friend "panic" go so very close in hand together.
I've had anxiety since I was kid. I was raised differently than most children, and stood out at school because I wasn't allowed to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance or stick around for holiday parties or craft making, I went to the library instead. It was normal for me, but it created anxiety for me because I'd get made fun of. This later on became fear of criticism and judgement. I was something I knew I didn't want to be, but didn't have a choice at the time, but it stuck with me until later in life.
Moving on to about age 14....after I'd already left home and began experimenting with drugs. My first REAL hard core substance was Meth. The first time I did it, I did 8 lines....how I didn't die...not too sure, but God has a good reason apparently, but I stayed awake for 4 days. I literally thought I was going to die. Mind so tired, body tired, but my entire insides would just not stop. My mind telling me horrible things....and the biggest and perhaps the HARDEST part for me was seeing the sun come up. Once that sun came up, I knew there was no going to sleep and that mean't staying up even longer, I was for sure I might die. THIS is also something that has stuck with me until this very day...up until a couple years ago anyways. If that sun started coming up and I didn't get sleep, my mind automatically took me back to when I was 14, thinking my life was over.....and the thing about anxiety...is it's all mind related, but our bodies are also connected to the mind. So what I'm thinking is what's going to happen, my body is going to respond as well.
Fast forward to my alcoholic days. Blacking out was the norm. I didn't remember my nights most of the time, and ended up hearing the atrocious stories of what I had done, honestly, it makes me nauseous and angry at myself. But to this day....if a show comes on T.V. and drugs are being abused or it's "funny" videos of drunk people doing stupid shit and hurting themselves, as crazy as it sounds, my mind starts going into anxiety and panic mode because it, again, takes me back.
But here's the thing about anxiety, and what I've learned.....
I'm here. I'm alive. I'm healthy. My kids are healthy. I have a good life. All of these things, and this is just the tip of the iceburg...haha...that I've been through that helped create my anxiety, the biggest component is WORRY. You see...worrying can start so young, I know it did in my case. I worried no one liked me, which I think that's fairly normal, I was a very young Mother, so I've worried about being a good Mom to my babies my entire life. I worried about being pretty enough or a good enough girlfriend or wife because of the mental abuse of my past. I worried I wasn't smart or would never amount to anything in life because I failed my GED Math test 3 times, and never went back to graduate high school because I was worried about being judged as a pregnant high schooler. Worry, worry, worry....leads to destruction. One of the best quotes I've ever heard I is :
" No amount of worry can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future."
You see our past, for a lot of people, can be a sore subject. Our past can keep us stuck, bitter, angry, in pain and enslaved even. And that in itself creates anxiety. The ONLY thing we can control, is now. When we worry...we overthink everything. The "worst case scenario" becomes our BFF, and twists reality.
This is where panic comes in, which is what prolonged anxiety can turn in to, and it LITERALLY feels like you're dying. Like I did after drug experimentation.....and not only that...but the years and years I spent in constant worry. We honestly do not realize how strong our minds TRULY are. If you repeat "I'm dying" enough times, you truly start to believe it. It's like one of those nightmares you jerk awake from because you're falling or something was coming at you and when you wake up, you are CERTAIN death is waiting for you at the foot of the bed! It brands our mind....literally, and it can take years to pull yourself back from it.
But good news....it CAN be done. I'm now 36 years old. My anxiety and panic went from at one point, from the ages of about 27-29 or so, where it was so bad, I didn't want to leave my own house. I was so freaked out, and it was mostly about being criticized or judgement. I felt worthless. I hated myself and I felt like everyone would be so much better off without me here....and so I just didn't want to leave the house. I worried that if I didn't have my meds, something bad would happen (addiction) or I would die, not kidding.....it was freak out time when my meds were low! I was sad about 98% of the time because I held on the the decision of my Father, who chose not to be a part of my life, and how my family ended up. I held on to the words of my past relationships, the betrayals of friends. I held on to the mistakes I made as a teenage Mother, and ending up the way I had. I held on to the negative beliefs about myself, and it was so bad....I literally couldn't think any other way. (So I thought)
I still very much struggle to this very day. Since taking myself off and "un-addicting" myself, is what I like to call it, and shifting my focuses, which, wow, that took a lot of work for me, because my life was ALL worry. There was no time for ME...it was all for worry....and what I WAS doing for myself, was only digging a deeper hole. I started reading Anxiety self-help books....and you know, I don't care what anyone says, if you TRULY want to change, they help. From experience, I feel like the stories of others' experiences seems to help most. I definitely love learning how it all works and boy it's complex, but hearing others' stories gave me hope. I wasn't alone....and no one is...unless they make it so.
I started exercising, and focusing on learning. Learning about nutrition, and how to take care of myself aka wellness. Today, I leave my house with no problems. I can be around crowds with no problems. But I am still working on confidence in myself, less negative talk, and really letting go of my past. I've learned it's not me. Those were things I did, not who I was. And my future...well...I'm working on that now. What I do now is going to decide that for me, so I continue to take care of myself, eat healthy, exercise daily, and help others do the same, because for me...that helps.
Anxiety is real.....but so are we. Anxiety is all too common in this world, it's sad, but so is confidence, strength, belief, happiness, faith, love, kindness, and hope...IF we look for it and focus on it.
This girl is moving ON...FORWARD...right here, right now, because the past is already over...no use wasting time on it, and I can determine how my future will be, by focusing on what I am doing now.
Life is a gift, but we must treat it like one! Choose happiness, or choose misery...it's your choice.
Much Love,
Wendi
No comments:
Post a Comment